Post by Jester on Sept 12, 2006 8:31:48 GMT -5
Sometimes, people were such hypocrites. They laughed at her, every time she took one of the odd cases she could her the whispers behind her back. There was even talk about suspension.
Yet every time they got one of these ridiculous cases they insisted they were all connected. Tom down at file storage had even taken to making a sinister little smilie in the corner of each case folder.
Harlequins they called them. The fool files.
Kate sighed and looked down on the phonebook sized stack of case files. Neat little brown folders each marked with one of those evil looking smilie’s. It seemed to stare at her with it’s menacing eyes and ear to ear smile. She stared back.
Then she opened the first one.
11:03, thirty eight of decemberium
Jester needed to find the amulet. Correction, A amulet. Leota hadn’t clearly stated that it had to be a specific amulet. And if she had, Jester just decided that she hadn’t and that was that.
But, as he cruised over the glittering city that was LA, he wondered where he should look. La was a big place. Unless you compared it to something bigger, like earth. Or a dimension. Dimensions were very very big. Unless it was a midget dimension, which as the name implied, were small.
Ofcourse, some midget dimensions were really really big. Like the miniature giant space hamster dimension. A huge dimension populated with nothing but miniature giant space hamsters and stupid bald men that talked really funny.
He cruised around on his big and cool rocket bike, looking for that place to go.
And he found one, a small car shop. If anyone knew where the amulet was, it would be not so legal gangsters that slaughtered cars for a living. Or maybe not. But who cared.
With a massive BANG! the bike crashed through the metal garage door, ripping a massive hole in it.
As a the heads of a dussin well muscled gangsters with guns turned towards him Jester climbed down from his chopper.
“Hi boys, know where the chicken party is?”
A big burly man with a massive handlebar mustache yelled out a order to the remaining men.
“Shoot this freak” The other gangsters, being gangsters, did as they were told.
But Jester was the One, and simply leaned back and waved his arms around madly. In slow motion even.
As he stood up again, inexplicably now dressed in a leather trench coat and a pair of shades, he realized that he had failed to dodge a single bullet.
He looked down at the countless holes that perforated his body in surprise. Then he pumped his fist in the air and screamed at the top of his lungs.
“I AM THE CHEESE GOD!”
this, obviously, made the nearest man turn into a statue made purely of goat cheese.
Needless to say, this caught the remaining gangsters by surprise, making them stand there completely dumbfounded. A opportunity Jester completely failed to take advantage of, instead standing still with his arms above his head until they came to their senses and riddled him with bullets.
As if though in a dream the body of Jester fell slowly backwards, hitting the ground behind him with a thud.
Was this the end of the insane clown, the demise of the man with a painted face?
Then, the corpse of the clown flimmered like a tv with bad reception. And from the hole in the wall Jester walked in, unharmed. Illusions were great, like magic cottoncandy. Which reminded him, he had to go see Rhianon. But not now, he had some butt to kick. Or in some way cause bodily harm to.
He took a deep breath before spinning around so fast he formed a tornado.
And when he stopped he no longer wore his coat, instead dressed in a suit that was split down the middle. One half white the other half black. And he held a stop sign, complete with the attached rod, in his hand.
“Somebody stop me!”
Nobody did…
As Kate looked through the file she couldn’t help but cringe. Two lacerations, one man cut in half, another impaled on a stop sign. And one had been squashed by a ten ton marshmallow. And the evidence section contained a cheese statue.
Kate frowned as she read further. Had this actually happened? How could someone crush a man with a marshmallow? What kind of sicko’s was she dealing with?
Jester was in a cheerful mod. Not only had he answered his life long question if you could crush a man with a marshmallow, but he had found out after a little interrogation that there was a stripclub that sold powerful magic artifacts. This had made Jester very happy. Not because it was a stripclub, although he certainly didn’t mind stripclubs. No, he liked stripclubs, because he was a man. And stuff. Of course he still wasn’t sure that he was a man, he could be a cartoon character that had gotten out of the TV. Yeah, being a cartoon would be seriously cool. And cartoony.
He skipped down the street for a few minutes, humming the theme to a cartoon yet to come, until he reached the club.
The Pole. Suiting, considering how he killed his informant. Exactly what the similarity between a stripclub called The Pole and being crushed be a marshmallow was Jester didn’t know. But there was one, he was sure of it. Okay, he wasn’t. But chaos was never sure. Just how things were. Why? He wasn’t sure. Because he was Chaos. Or a superhero. Something like that.
He was just about to enter the club when he realized something. It was a stripclub, so he had to get naked. But it was a T rated story. But he needed to get naked to enter the club. Suddenly Jester got a idea. Complete with a light bulb above his head.
The doors of the pole were brutally kicked open. And in came jester on a pogo stick. Wearing nothing but a smile and a sign across his…little clown. This sign was one of those you got when surfing the net, and it read: by clicking okay you are agreeing that you are above 18 years. With a ok button beneath it.
Carl Bilt saw this sign, and like any sane heterosexual male, tried hard not to think about the button. Which of course made him mentally click it and see Jester is full glory. This instantly made him take the emergency exit that was madness.
Exactly what drove Carl insane is still unknown. Jester would say it was jealousy, Logic would say fear. Some might say it was the oddly shaped pot plant in the corner that suddenly began singing fly me to the moon from the top of it’s non existing lungs.
But Jester lived in his own little world, completely unaware that he had caused a man to lose his sanity.
Instead he happily hopped on, past surprised strippers and even more surprised customers.
He steered his pogo sick into another room located behind the bar. It was a nice room, draped with red velvet and containing several display boxes showing various forms of magic jewelry.
A slightly overweight man with a turban hurried over, waving a wand like it meant something.
“Get out herald of Chaos, or I shall crush you in the name of order.”
Great, a disciple of Order and law. Jester didn’t Like Order or Law. They were as bad as Logic. Only more powerful. At least Order had a big rack, and Law was in possession of a rather nicely shaped rear.
Jester jumped down from his pogo stick, the velvet drapes shooting out and wrapping around him, forming a thick robe.
“I will not give the amulet to a abomination like you!” the fatman said while waving his wand around, shooting a thick ball of shimmering energy.
Jester grabbed it in his hand, seemingly absorbing it. Then he held up one hand palm up, running the other across it and creating small sparks that slowly settled on the ground.
Then with a might woof! A thick column of fire shoot out from his hand, engulfing his opponent.
“Do you think that can stop me you silly little chaos slave? I am the embodiment of order!”
“Really? Guess order must be really fat. Or pregnant. Is it a boy or a girl? Who’s the father?” Jester mocked before creating a hat out of nowhere. Then he reached into it, pulling out a pink bunny. But not just any bunny, but one dressed in military fatigues, smoking a cigar while starring at the disciple with a menacing glare.
Jester held the bunny up high, watching as it pulled out a gigantic gun with countless barrels and a few rockets.
"Tell me punk, you wanna die?" the bunny said, it's voice full of gravel. Then it fired, filling the air with lead and screeching rockets.
The mage warded off the attack, his magic dispelling bullet after bullet. But it was too much for him, the obese man collapsing to the floor. He looked up at Jester, a look of pure hate and loathing. Jester simply smiled, stuffing the bunny into the folds of his robe. Then he stretched out his hand, blue streaks of energy flying around him, gathering in the form of a massive flying snake (With glasses, for some reason) that quickly turned int the air, hurling towards the mage. He tried in vein to ward himself, quickly finding himself bound by the gigantic serpent.
The man watched helplessly as Jester zipped around the room, searching it for the amulet.
“Is this it?” he asked while holding up a golden amulet with a deep green stone set in the middle. Order could not lie, and the mage answered with a resigned look “yes”
“Okay.” Jester said while carelessly tossing it over his shoulder to the surprise of the obese mage.
“I just take this then.” Jester said while picking up another amulet at random before disappearing in a mass of twirling velvet.
As the snake disappeared the mage let out a sigh of relief. He had been lucky.
Squeak!
He stopped suddenly, listening. He could have sworn he heard something.
Squeak!
He spun on his feet, facing a massive pink pile of fur coming towards him.
He didn’t even have time to scream.
A pile of bloody pink bunny slippers? This was one weird case.
She looked up from her pile, looking around the station. It was empty, apart from Hayes talking on the phone. That guy was a motor mouth of immense proportions.
She rubbed her eyes, taking another sip from her since long cold coffee. The rest can wait till morning. She thought as she picked up her coat and headed home.
Yet every time they got one of these ridiculous cases they insisted they were all connected. Tom down at file storage had even taken to making a sinister little smilie in the corner of each case folder.
Harlequins they called them. The fool files.
Kate sighed and looked down on the phonebook sized stack of case files. Neat little brown folders each marked with one of those evil looking smilie’s. It seemed to stare at her with it’s menacing eyes and ear to ear smile. She stared back.
Then she opened the first one.
11:03, thirty eight of decemberium
Jester needed to find the amulet. Correction, A amulet. Leota hadn’t clearly stated that it had to be a specific amulet. And if she had, Jester just decided that she hadn’t and that was that.
But, as he cruised over the glittering city that was LA, he wondered where he should look. La was a big place. Unless you compared it to something bigger, like earth. Or a dimension. Dimensions were very very big. Unless it was a midget dimension, which as the name implied, were small.
Ofcourse, some midget dimensions were really really big. Like the miniature giant space hamster dimension. A huge dimension populated with nothing but miniature giant space hamsters and stupid bald men that talked really funny.
He cruised around on his big and cool rocket bike, looking for that place to go.
And he found one, a small car shop. If anyone knew where the amulet was, it would be not so legal gangsters that slaughtered cars for a living. Or maybe not. But who cared.
With a massive BANG! the bike crashed through the metal garage door, ripping a massive hole in it.
As a the heads of a dussin well muscled gangsters with guns turned towards him Jester climbed down from his chopper.
“Hi boys, know where the chicken party is?”
A big burly man with a massive handlebar mustache yelled out a order to the remaining men.
“Shoot this freak” The other gangsters, being gangsters, did as they were told.
But Jester was the One, and simply leaned back and waved his arms around madly. In slow motion even.
As he stood up again, inexplicably now dressed in a leather trench coat and a pair of shades, he realized that he had failed to dodge a single bullet.
He looked down at the countless holes that perforated his body in surprise. Then he pumped his fist in the air and screamed at the top of his lungs.
“I AM THE CHEESE GOD!”
this, obviously, made the nearest man turn into a statue made purely of goat cheese.
Needless to say, this caught the remaining gangsters by surprise, making them stand there completely dumbfounded. A opportunity Jester completely failed to take advantage of, instead standing still with his arms above his head until they came to their senses and riddled him with bullets.
As if though in a dream the body of Jester fell slowly backwards, hitting the ground behind him with a thud.
Was this the end of the insane clown, the demise of the man with a painted face?
Then, the corpse of the clown flimmered like a tv with bad reception. And from the hole in the wall Jester walked in, unharmed. Illusions were great, like magic cottoncandy. Which reminded him, he had to go see Rhianon. But not now, he had some butt to kick. Or in some way cause bodily harm to.
He took a deep breath before spinning around so fast he formed a tornado.
And when he stopped he no longer wore his coat, instead dressed in a suit that was split down the middle. One half white the other half black. And he held a stop sign, complete with the attached rod, in his hand.
“Somebody stop me!”
Nobody did…
As Kate looked through the file she couldn’t help but cringe. Two lacerations, one man cut in half, another impaled on a stop sign. And one had been squashed by a ten ton marshmallow. And the evidence section contained a cheese statue.
Kate frowned as she read further. Had this actually happened? How could someone crush a man with a marshmallow? What kind of sicko’s was she dealing with?
Jester was in a cheerful mod. Not only had he answered his life long question if you could crush a man with a marshmallow, but he had found out after a little interrogation that there was a stripclub that sold powerful magic artifacts. This had made Jester very happy. Not because it was a stripclub, although he certainly didn’t mind stripclubs. No, he liked stripclubs, because he was a man. And stuff. Of course he still wasn’t sure that he was a man, he could be a cartoon character that had gotten out of the TV. Yeah, being a cartoon would be seriously cool. And cartoony.
He skipped down the street for a few minutes, humming the theme to a cartoon yet to come, until he reached the club.
The Pole. Suiting, considering how he killed his informant. Exactly what the similarity between a stripclub called The Pole and being crushed be a marshmallow was Jester didn’t know. But there was one, he was sure of it. Okay, he wasn’t. But chaos was never sure. Just how things were. Why? He wasn’t sure. Because he was Chaos. Or a superhero. Something like that.
He was just about to enter the club when he realized something. It was a stripclub, so he had to get naked. But it was a T rated story. But he needed to get naked to enter the club. Suddenly Jester got a idea. Complete with a light bulb above his head.
The doors of the pole were brutally kicked open. And in came jester on a pogo stick. Wearing nothing but a smile and a sign across his…little clown. This sign was one of those you got when surfing the net, and it read: by clicking okay you are agreeing that you are above 18 years. With a ok button beneath it.
Carl Bilt saw this sign, and like any sane heterosexual male, tried hard not to think about the button. Which of course made him mentally click it and see Jester is full glory. This instantly made him take the emergency exit that was madness.
Exactly what drove Carl insane is still unknown. Jester would say it was jealousy, Logic would say fear. Some might say it was the oddly shaped pot plant in the corner that suddenly began singing fly me to the moon from the top of it’s non existing lungs.
But Jester lived in his own little world, completely unaware that he had caused a man to lose his sanity.
Instead he happily hopped on, past surprised strippers and even more surprised customers.
He steered his pogo sick into another room located behind the bar. It was a nice room, draped with red velvet and containing several display boxes showing various forms of magic jewelry.
A slightly overweight man with a turban hurried over, waving a wand like it meant something.
“Get out herald of Chaos, or I shall crush you in the name of order.”
Great, a disciple of Order and law. Jester didn’t Like Order or Law. They were as bad as Logic. Only more powerful. At least Order had a big rack, and Law was in possession of a rather nicely shaped rear.
Jester jumped down from his pogo stick, the velvet drapes shooting out and wrapping around him, forming a thick robe.
“I will not give the amulet to a abomination like you!” the fatman said while waving his wand around, shooting a thick ball of shimmering energy.
Jester grabbed it in his hand, seemingly absorbing it. Then he held up one hand palm up, running the other across it and creating small sparks that slowly settled on the ground.
Then with a might woof! A thick column of fire shoot out from his hand, engulfing his opponent.
“Do you think that can stop me you silly little chaos slave? I am the embodiment of order!”
“Really? Guess order must be really fat. Or pregnant. Is it a boy or a girl? Who’s the father?” Jester mocked before creating a hat out of nowhere. Then he reached into it, pulling out a pink bunny. But not just any bunny, but one dressed in military fatigues, smoking a cigar while starring at the disciple with a menacing glare.
Jester held the bunny up high, watching as it pulled out a gigantic gun with countless barrels and a few rockets.
"Tell me punk, you wanna die?" the bunny said, it's voice full of gravel. Then it fired, filling the air with lead and screeching rockets.
The mage warded off the attack, his magic dispelling bullet after bullet. But it was too much for him, the obese man collapsing to the floor. He looked up at Jester, a look of pure hate and loathing. Jester simply smiled, stuffing the bunny into the folds of his robe. Then he stretched out his hand, blue streaks of energy flying around him, gathering in the form of a massive flying snake (With glasses, for some reason) that quickly turned int the air, hurling towards the mage. He tried in vein to ward himself, quickly finding himself bound by the gigantic serpent.
The man watched helplessly as Jester zipped around the room, searching it for the amulet.
“Is this it?” he asked while holding up a golden amulet with a deep green stone set in the middle. Order could not lie, and the mage answered with a resigned look “yes”
“Okay.” Jester said while carelessly tossing it over his shoulder to the surprise of the obese mage.
“I just take this then.” Jester said while picking up another amulet at random before disappearing in a mass of twirling velvet.
As the snake disappeared the mage let out a sigh of relief. He had been lucky.
Squeak!
He stopped suddenly, listening. He could have sworn he heard something.
Squeak!
He spun on his feet, facing a massive pink pile of fur coming towards him.
He didn’t even have time to scream.
A pile of bloody pink bunny slippers? This was one weird case.
She looked up from her pile, looking around the station. It was empty, apart from Hayes talking on the phone. That guy was a motor mouth of immense proportions.
She rubbed her eyes, taking another sip from her since long cold coffee. The rest can wait till morning. She thought as she picked up her coat and headed home.
